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Friday, September 08, 2006
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Walking the Dog
A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
COOL MEANINGS
MARRIAGE
It is an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree while the woman gains her masters.
CONFERENCE
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
COMPROMISE
The art of dividing the cake in such a way that everybody believes he's got the biggest piece.
SMILE
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
ATOM BOMB
An invention to end all inventions.
OPPORTUNIST
A person who starts taking bath when he accidentally falls into river.
FATHER
A banker provided by nature.
POLITICIAN
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
TEARS
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
It is an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree while the woman gains her masters.
CONFERENCE
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
COMPROMISE
The art of dividing the cake in such a way that everybody believes he's got the biggest piece.
SMILE
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
ATOM BOMB
An invention to end all inventions.
OPPORTUNIST
A person who starts taking bath when he accidentally falls into river.
FATHER
A banker provided by nature.
POLITICIAN
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
TEARS
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Five lessons
LESSON 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff" and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff" and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."
*MORAL OF THE STORY IS: " ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST"*
LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document which my secretary has left.Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the 'START' button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
*MORAL - NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING*
LESSON 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"Again, the Japanese was confused over he question.The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you ... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese! etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese." A while later
the Japanese turned to the American and asked, "What kind of 'key' was he".
the Japanese turned to the American and asked, "What kind of 'key' was he".
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I?"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
*MORAL - NEVER INSULT ANYONE*
LESSON 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,
He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you A wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and Immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so Contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."
*MORAL - THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN*
LESSON 5
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate
oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad. To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief.
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly.
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable.
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred.
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body.
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
*MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE*
LESSON 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,
He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you A wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and Immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so Contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."
*MORAL - THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN*
LESSON 5
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate
oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad. To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief.
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly.
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable.
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred.
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body.
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
*MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE*
A room for thought?
What is your favorite room in your home?
1)Bedroom
2)Living room
3)Dining room
4)Bathroom
5)Kitchen
6)Balcony
7)Study room
8)None at all
Analysis Below:-
Bed Room:-
You are an imaginative and colorful character. You believe in true love but until you find it, you'll have fun flirting. You attract people just by the way you talk. This can make insecure people feel jealous.
Living Room:-
You are sociable and enjoy talking to people. Whenever you have the opportunity, you'll help people. You don't shirk responsibility, and in fact enjoy taking on leadership roles.
Dining Room:-
You are conservative, cautious and don't panic in emergencies. You are an extrovert, and like sharing ideas with people. However, you also need to spend time alone to organize your thoughts.
Bath Room:-
You take good care of yourself and are concerned about your health. When you hear about any new illnesses, you start watching out for the first symptoms to appear. This can sometimes annoy your friends. However, you look at the world on the bright side, andthis makes you quite popular.
Kitchen:-
Easygoing and altruistic, you are most happy when taking care of others. While at times you can be boisterous, you make people feel comfortable around you and they always seek your advice when they have problems.
Balcony:-
You love freedom and hate to be controlled. You want to walk away from all the rules and rely on your imagination to direct your life instead. When you need to reenergize yourself, you head to the beach or to the forest.
Study or den:-
You take life seriously and like things to be neat and in order. Proud and dignified, you don't like to be mocked. You are a good listener even when you disagree with other people's ideas.
None at all:-
You are interested in the people around you and don't pay much heed to material goodsYou are helpful and considerate to your family, and in return they love you dearly..
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