Saying the right thing at the right time!!!

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending one of his companys office parties. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove,I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"

"Well," his son said, "you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and you got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused Jack asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom,and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins 38 cents
Saying the right thing at the right time . . . Priceless

100 件女人必之男事!

Girls just want to have fun....

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were veryfaithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiasticonthe Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would takeoff her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a ratherexpensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was luckyenough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbononit, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did theirbusiness they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that hisnormally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got tostop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. My wife came home with nopanties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with acard stuck to her ass that said.....From all of us at the FireStation.We'll never forget you.'"

They Walk Among Us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home.You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without evenone person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people weretoo un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changedthe sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.

Caution...They Walk Among Us

====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent whichdirection was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime,she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.

"They Walk Among Us!

====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got acall from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".

They Walk Among Us!

====================

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheardone of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on herweekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't thinkshe'd get sunburned because the car was moving".They Walk Among Us!====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat beltif she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...

They Walk Among Us!

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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% andgave us a 20% discount....

They Walk Among Us!

====================

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to anearring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turnedher head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apartno matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us!

====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggageoffice and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled andtold me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in goodhands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...

They Walk Among Us!

====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding."Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

====================

They walk among us, AND reproduce!Now that's scary!

Lawyers

A man went to his lawyer and told him "My neighbour owes me $500 and he
Doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?
"Do you have any proof ?",asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,"
Said the lawyer.
"But its only $500!" replied the man.
"Precisely, that's what he will reply and we will have the proof we
Need," said the lawyer.

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The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students,
"If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey
To you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title,
Claim and advantages of and in, said or ange, together with all its rind,
Juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to
Bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away
With and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before
Or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature
Or
Kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding.

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A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog as belonging to a neighbour
Of his.
The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the
Butcher called up his neighbour and said,

"Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be
Liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how
Much was the roast?"
"$7.98."
A few days later the butcher receive d a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service:
$150.

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The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went
To law school. He graduated with honours, and then went home to join his

father's firm.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office,
And said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that
You've
Been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case
For ten years!"

Sex on Mars

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weenie willy - about half an inch long and just quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow..."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

How do Italians Tell Time?

An elderly Italian man is sleeping on the side of the road on a pile of hay.

He is awakened by a wealthy man on a motorcycle who asks for the time.

The old gentleman has a donkey next to him and by simply feeling the donkey'stesticles, he tells the man on the motorcycle the time...

This gentleman onhis return trip spots the old man again and, thinking the old man was just lucky, asks him again.

To the wealthy man's surprise, the old man isexactly correct again about the time.

Now watch the video ...

Don't Talk To an Indian Fellow Passenger On a Flight.

An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Indian.

He immediately turns to him and makes his move.

"You know," says the American, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.So let's talk."

The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and saysto the American guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling.

"How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the Indian.

"That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat thesame stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cowturns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of driedpoop.Why do you suppose that is?"

The American guy is dumbfounded.

Finally he replies, "I haven't theslightest idea."

"So tell me," says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified todiscuss nuclear power when you don't know shit ?"