1, MOM...CAN YOU BUY ME A BRA?
"Mum, can I ask you something?"
"Sure! What about?"
"You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one."
"And what is this 'one' you're referring to?"
"Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?"
"No."
"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."
"Nope."
"It will be just proper at my age..."
"I said no way...!"
"But all of my friends wear......!"
"RUDI ! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"
2. WHO SHOT THE BEAR?
An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor's office.
He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole life.
In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child..
What do you think of that?"
The doctor thinks for a second and then says, "Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him.
What do you think of that?"
The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot
that bear!"
"EXACTLY" says the doctor.
3. WHAT'S IN A NAME?
A Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, Mom," he asked, "why is my big brother named Mighty Storm'?"
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." she replied.
"Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"
"Well," his mother answered, "Your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?"
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived," the mother replied.
The mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"
4. BIOLOGY LESSON
At a Biology class, the teacher asked the class:
"Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow taller than guys?"
A student replied: "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."
Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller than gals?"
Student: "That's because gals have breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."
Friday, June 08, 2007
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
From Ah Beng to his girlfriend
Dear Ah Lian
Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find.
You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.
You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok.
Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright.Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.
I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....
Worm regard,
Ah Beng
Thursday, December 28, 2006
My Mother Taught Me
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your
father gets home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it
when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out off that swing and
break your neck, your not going to the store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your
spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
know when you're cold?"
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat
your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
10.My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?"
11.My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your
father."
12.My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born
in a barn?"
13.My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my
age, you will understand."
14.And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's
like."
father gets home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it
when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out off that swing and
break your neck, your not going to the store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your
spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
know when you're cold?"
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat
your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
10.My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?"
11.My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your
father."
12.My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born
in a barn?"
13.My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my
age, you will understand."
14.And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's
like."
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Heed these six warning signs to discern if your job is making you fat
1. You work at a cubicle, tied to a desk, under florescent lights
"Desk Potato" is the label slapped on today's office workers and othersedentary employees. Fewer people are exerting any real physicalenergy during their workday (no, moving the mouse doesn't count). The equation is depressingly simple: when incoming calories exceed energyoutput, the end result is extra pounds.
If you work under artificial lights all day, you're probably sufferingfrom lower levels of serotonin, the brain's mood-calmingneurotransmitter. This can lead to seasonal affective disorder (SAD),depression, insomnia, frequent headaches and may result in addictivebehaviors such as overeating.
2. Your job subjects you to the two worst kinds of stress:
Relentless: The stress never lets up and you never get a break.There's always twice as much work at the end of the day than when youstarted. This kind of pressure causes a build up in the stress-relatedhormone cortisol, which promotes abdominal fat. You crave salt, sugarand fatty foods to counteract the tension.
Lack of control: You name it, you don't have control over it: yourschedule, deadlines, who you work with, the type of projects you takeon, etc. As you try to calm yourself, you might be reachingfrequently for 'comfort carbs,' since carbohydrates stimulate theproduction of serotonin, your mood-calming neurotransmitter.
3. Under-employed
If your job is too small for your spirit, and your talents andcreativity are not tapped, you turn to food to fill the void.
4. Work leaves you exhausted
Eating a big meal then falling asleep on the couch is not what weneed, yet millions of us do this because we come home too tired tosee friends, too tired to work out, even too exhausted to walk the dog.
5. You sleep less than 8 hours on a regular basis
You stay late, go in early, work split shifts or miss sleep because you are worrying about work. Cumulative sleep deprivation can resultin weight gain because your tendency is to turn to sweets andcaffeine the next day for a quick energy fix. Experts now agree thatsleep might be just as important to weight loss and maintenance asdiet and exercise.
6. Consistently lunching at your desk or skipping lunch
Almost a third of American workers are scarfing down food while toilingaway at their desks. We feel deprived, so we nibble mindlessly therest of the day and into the evening.
So how do I find a job that doesn't pack on the pounds?
Face reality. Make a list of all the harmful side affects of yourjob. If the list is long and/or serious, consider switching jobs orcareers. The average American will have had 8-10 different careers bythe time they retire. It's OK to switch.
Visualize your dream job. Be specific. If you can dream it, you can live it.
Get support from friends. Networking is still the name of the game.Tell your friends specifically how they can help. Expand your careerhorizon by trying one new experience each week.
Take a class. Volunteer. Interview people or job shadow those who workat jobs you nd intriguing, then…
Honor your energy. If it feels good, is energizing and you love it,it's a yes! If it feels bad, is draining and you hate it, it's a no!
Listen to your intuition. Trust that the small, still voice of wisdomwithin. You do have the answers.
Seriously consider self-employment.
Tired of the glass ceiling and not afraid of hard work? Then releaseyour entrepreneurial spirit and start your own company.
Meanwhile…
• Drink more water (8-10 glasses a day)
• Add steps. Park further away and walk. Take the stairs instead ofthe elevator.
• Get a walking or exercise buddy.
• Brush your teeth at work after lunch to help resist afternoon snack attacks.
• Limit snacks to healthy veggies you bring from home.
• Chew sugar free gum or suck on sugar free candy.
• Join a club and find something you enjoy. Pack your workout bag andgo before or right after work.
• Design a new reward system that doesn't involve food.
• Don't skip lunch. Resist the temptation to eat at your desk.
CULTURAL DIFFERENCE or CHINESE WISDOM ?
An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day.
It wasvery hot.
They were sweating and exhausted.
When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries whileenjoying their freedom.
As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies fromtown appeared.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates.
But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on.
The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part.
The Chinese replied, I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Saying the right thing at the right time!!!
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending one of his companys office parties. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove,I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well," his son said, "you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and you got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused Jack asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom,and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins 38 cents
Saying the right thing at the right time . . . Priceless
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove,I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well," his son said, "you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and you got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused Jack asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom,and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins 38 cents
Saying the right thing at the right time . . . Priceless
Friday, November 24, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
Girls just want to have fun....
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were veryfaithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiasticonthe Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would takeoff her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a ratherexpensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was luckyenough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbononit, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did theirbusiness they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that hisnormally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got tostop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. My wife came home with nopanties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with acard stuck to her ass that said.....From all of us at the FireStation.We'll never forget you.'"
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
They Walk Among Us!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home.You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without evenone person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people weretoo un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changedthe sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
Caution...They Walk Among Us
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent whichdirection was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime,she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.
"They Walk Among Us!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got acall from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheardone of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on herweekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't thinkshe'd get sunburned because the car was moving".They Walk Among Us!====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat beltif she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% andgave us a 20% discount....
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to anearring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turnedher head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apartno matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggageoffice and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled andtold me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in goodhands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding."Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us!
====================
They walk among us, AND reproduce!Now that's scary!
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Lawyers
A man went to his lawyer and told him "My neighbour owes me $500 and he
Doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?
"Do you have any proof ?",asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,"
Said the lawyer.
"But its only $500!" replied the man.
"Precisely, that's what he will reply and we will have the proof we
Need," said the lawyer.
-------------------------------------------------------
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students,
"If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey
To you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title,
Claim and advantages of and in, said or ange, together with all its rind,
Juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to
Bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away
With and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before
Or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature
Or
Kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding.
-------------------------------------------------------
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog as belonging to a neighbour
Of his.
The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the
Butcher called up his neighbour and said,
"Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be
Liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how
Much was the roast?"
"$7.98."
A few days later the butcher receive d a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service:
$150.
-------------------------------------------------------
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went
To law school. He graduated with honours, and then went home to join his
father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office,
And said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that
You've
Been working on for ten years!"
His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case
For ten years!"
Doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?
"Do you have any proof ?",asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,"
Said the lawyer.
"But its only $500!" replied the man.
"Precisely, that's what he will reply and we will have the proof we
Need," said the lawyer.
-------------------------------------------------------
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students,
"If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey
To you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title,
Claim and advantages of and in, said or ange, together with all its rind,
Juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to
Bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away
With and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before
Or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature
Or
Kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding.
-------------------------------------------------------
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog as belonging to a neighbour
Of his.
The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the
Butcher called up his neighbour and said,
"Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be
Liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how
Much was the roast?"
"$7.98."
A few days later the butcher receive d a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service:
$150.
-------------------------------------------------------
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went
To law school. He graduated with honours, and then went home to join his
father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office,
And said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that
You've
Been working on for ten years!"
His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case
For ten years!"
Friday, November 10, 2006
Sex on Mars
The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie willy - about half an inch long and just quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow..."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie willy - about half an inch long and just quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow..."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
How do Italians Tell Time?
An elderly Italian man is sleeping on the side of the road on a pile of hay.
He is awakened by a wealthy man on a motorcycle who asks for the time.
The old gentleman has a donkey next to him and by simply feeling the donkey'stesticles, he tells the man on the motorcycle the time...
This gentleman onhis return trip spots the old man again and, thinking the old man was just lucky, asks him again.
To the wealthy man's surprise, the old man isexactly correct again about the time.
Now watch the video ...
He is awakened by a wealthy man on a motorcycle who asks for the time.
The old gentleman has a donkey next to him and by simply feeling the donkey'stesticles, he tells the man on the motorcycle the time...
This gentleman onhis return trip spots the old man again and, thinking the old man was just lucky, asks him again.
To the wealthy man's surprise, the old man isexactly correct again about the time.
Now watch the video ...
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Don't Talk To an Indian Fellow Passenger On a Flight.
An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Indian.
He immediately turns to him and makes his move.
"You know," says the American, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.So let's talk."
The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and saysto the American guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the Indian.
"That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat thesame stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cowturns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of driedpoop.Why do you suppose that is?"
The American guy is dumbfounded.
Finally he replies, "I haven't theslightest idea."
"So tell me," says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified todiscuss nuclear power when you don't know shit ?"
Friday, October 20, 2006
The Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies :
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
My favourite
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system.You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE :
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
My favourite
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system.You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE :
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Walking the Dog
A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
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